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pamelala05
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Name: Pamela
Location: Cedarville, Ohio, United States
Birthday: 9/29/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Jesus Christ, music (especially violin, especially Bach), violin, politics, Cedarville University, meaningful conversations, long solitary walks, teaching, reading, writing, a particularly delightful young man, www.cyberhymnal.org
Expertise: none of the above
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/21/2005
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| I was very embarrassed when I was asked if I wanted to partake in communion at a church I was hired to play at tonight, and said no. I don't want people to look at me as if I am an unbeliever and scoffing in my heart at everything they do and say, pocketing the check, and walking out -- but I had significant reasons for this decision.
In this case, the church actually had many things in common with me, and I would say that probably many of the people in attendance there were true believers in Christ. However, when the communion was offered, it was offered to all in the room. I feel very strongly about the significance of communion for three reasons: 1) the meditation upon my specific personal sins and the price that Christ paid to free me from it, 2) the thankfulness and dwelling upon Christ's sacrifice on the cross, and 3) the fellowship with other believers who are participating in this sacred act. That third point is why I chose to refrain from participating in communion at this church -- never did they say that only believers in Jesus Christ who were baptized (that last part is a bit negotiable) should take communion. It was opened universally to all in attendance. And for that reason, I chose to refrain.
I think that I may take communion more seriously than many of my Protestant peers, but I was raised this way and I think that since we do only really have two legitimate sacraments -- baptism and communion -- they better be kept holy and unspotted as much as possible. I am certainly not a transubstantiationist or anything of the sort -- I believe that the act of taking communion is certainly symbolic, but it is more deeply symbolic for me than perhaps for some, and I do not wish to give those who are unbelievers false assurance, nor do I wish to fellowship with them in a way that is only meant to be shared with other believers.
That said, I felt very awkward refusing communion in this context, and I think I looked more like a heathen than a person with significant, thought-through convictions. I am left with the choice to avoid future such situations altogether (which is probably not going to happen), deny those convictions (which is definitely not going to happen), talk to a leader at the church about it (maybe, but probably not), or just ignore it and let others judge as they may, while praying that perhaps they might be convicted if it is the case that an unbeliever is deriving false assurance from participating in communion. | | |
| So, I guess I haven't posted in a while.
I'm sorry to say it, but xanga does not have as much interest for me anymore. There are very few people on xanga that are not also on facebook, and very few of the people who were originally on xanga when I started my account are patrons any longer. So when I do post, I am talking to an audience of probably ten people at the most. Not to mention, I feel less and less a need or desire to post about my life on xanga, or to post interesting thoughts or arguments, or really much of anything at all. I think part of this is because now that I am married, I can have these types of intellectually satisfying conversations in the privacy of my own home with my dear husband, and I just don't need the attention from other people that perhaps was one of my reasons for starting xanga in the first place. To the ten or so friends who are still on xanga, please do not take this as an insult! I still like reading your posts! And I still think xanga is far better than facebook, but I am starting to feel more and more alone in this idea. And part of what made xanga fun was the interaction with other people. Now that this is so limited because of its widespread abandonment, that is really not a compelling reason to post anymore.
Also, there have been several things I have thought about posting, only to think better of it because someone might read it and be offended, or it might embarrass me to post it, etc. I have lately always thought of a reason not to post whatever I was thinking of posting. Perhaps I am more of a private person than I used to be?
All this said, I am thinking that I need to keep up my writing ability in some way or another. With my dwindled desire for blogging, and my lack of academic rigor after my college graduation, I have trouble finding the outlet or the motivation. However, I have been thinking for a while now that I need to start a private, perhaps weekly, personal journal to especially record spiritual thoughts and evidences of my own spiritual growth, as well as my private prayers for myself and others, and perhaps even my thoughts on different Scripture passages.
While writing is not my top goal in life, I would like to be published in some way or another some day. I have an op-ed in mind I'd like to see published sometime, and I am hoping someday to know enough about teaching violin to write a book on it (which I doubt will have much appeal to the general populace, but that's not the point!).
I doubt I'll be closing my xanga. Anything I have up here can be freely perused by just about anyone on the internet, but I doubt anyone much cares. It's not like everybody and their brother doesn't also have some kind of online glimpse into their personal lives, so I highly doubt some creepy stalker would choose me. However, I am thinking I should say an official goodbye to those aforementioned ten or so friends that are left. I will probably still read and comment on your posts occasionally, but can't think of much reason why I would post again. This is terribly depressing in one way and rather freeing in another.
Here's to continued writing, introspection, and intellectual stimulation, except without anyone else reading it for the time being. And please keep in touch! 
Love to all,
Pamelala
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| I have begun to notice more and more that I am really and truly an introvert in certain settings. While I enjoy hanging out with friends in smaller groups, I have noticed that I tend to become very quiet and unconversational in larger groups. It's not that I mean to be rude, it's just that I almost feel that my senses are overwhelmed when I am in a large group of people. Why contribute to the conversation (more than is necessary in order to be polite, anyway) when there are so many different conversations going on around, where you might as well just listen in to the different conversations at will without actually mustering the energy to participate in any of them? I wonder if this is indicative of being selfish and self-centered, or if it is just the way I am wired as a person. People who know me more individually would probably laugh at the very thought of me being an introvert, but people who primarily know me in large groups probably get frustrated trying to make conversation with me.
I wonder if anyone else feels this way? Or am I just weird? 
On a completely unrelated note, I am getting tired of facebook posts that are, in my opinion, easily classified as "verbal diahhrea." (Please pardon me!) Some personal pet peeves include anything about daily activities that we all do EVERY day and do not particularly need to know that you are doing, such as waking up, drinking coffee in the morning, and going to bed. I also particularly dislike it when people who post from their mobile device that they are stuck in traffic in whatever city. (My guess is that they do it just to show off to the world that they have a mobile device with which to post such things, but I realize that this may be unecessarily snide.)
In other news, I have many other complaints that probably should be fleshed out here at some point. They include, but are not limited to, the state of politics today and the rather annoying reactions of most Christians on both sides of the political spectrum, the sad state of customer service in our day, and the dangers and disadvantages to society at large of college students who are not serious about their studies. Also, the pitfalls and growing pains of a violinist.
And just to end this rather grumpy post on a happier note, I am personally quite happy and enjoying life and marriage in general. We have a great church life, home life, and family life; and our careers, while they cause us their share of angst, are quite good overall as well. If I ever allow my overactive and generally depressing thought life to calm down a bit, I realize that I actually am quite happy and fulfilled in general, and I thank God for that!
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| No, I'm not pregnant. Just thought I'd get that out in the open beforehand!
Since reaching my one-year anniversary of graduation from college, I have decided that I have had sufficient "recovery time" from said period of life. I must confess that my "recovery time" consisted of a not so great schedule for the past year. While I have still been fairly busy and have accomplished a decent amount, I don't think that I have managed my time as well as I could have. So I am, by God's grace, implementing a lifestyle change -- I am going to get up much earlier every morning on a consistent basis. I am hoping that this will allow me to have a more regimented -- and hopefully more successful and fruitful -- daily schedule.
Today was my first day on this new schedule, and despite having gone to bed later than I would have liked to last night (because of a late rehearsal), I am feeling pretty good. Only time will tell how I hold up, I suppose. I am not a morning person, and it has been years since I have woken up earlier than I HAD to. Generally, I get up as early as I have to on any given day to get wherever I need to be or do whatever I need to do, but no earlier. This happened before college, throughout college, and most certainly in the last year. However, the problem with the last year is that I haven't had as many early morning commitments, which has led to sleeping later than I'd like to admit. While I am a person who tends to need a lot of sleep, I think that a better schedule might help me to need a little less sleep, due to its consistency, and I also think that it would be better for me to go to bed earlier than to continue to sleep in late. Hence the change!
In other news, Jon and I are coordinating VBS with another couple at our church this year, I am actively involved in finishing up the year with the Cedarville Youth Orchestra, and I am practicing and rehearsing quite a bit for Titanic, the musical I am playing in this month at Wright State. I am busy as usual, but enjoying it for the most part! I hope to post in more detail about some of these other things later, but don't have the time or the desire to bore my gentle readers further!
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| This may not end up being posted as it is a rather personal post, which is ironic considering the title. (But I really have no distinction between my personal and professional life -- probably a mistake.) But then again, I don't think that very many people read this anymore, and those who do, well it's probably ok. We'll see.
Yesterday, I had a sad day. I lost two of my brightest, most talented and hard-working students to a Russian teacher with his music doctorate at the Cincinnati Conservatory of Music. Now on the one hand, it is probably laughable that I should hope to compete with a 60-year-old professional when it comes to teaching experience, expertise, etc. But on the other hand, well, I am truly upset and hurt. Here's why.
According to the family, they had had some fears about their daughter's technique ever since she joined the youth orchestra that I recommended to her. Unfortunately, this was one of the few recommendations of mine that they actually heeded -- my recommendations of increasing her pitifully short (for her level) lesson time of a half-hour and of participating in contests in order to get constructive criticism were not. At any rate, my student found herself in a back seat in the orchestra, and thought it was because her technique was inferior to most of the others in the group. Now, I went to their concert last fall, and saw several other students (in higher chairs) with crooked bows, so my explanation to them when they asked about it was that a) this was only her first year in the group and she did not have either a reputation or the ensemble experience that most kids get in school by this age (she's homeschooled), or b) and I don't think I told them this one -- I am still gaining my own reputation and perhaps my relative obscurity contributed to their doubts about giving her a higher chair, or c) she auditioned at the last minute when they called for extra auditions, so perhaps they had already set the seating for those who auditioned earlier. At any rate, we worked on her crooked bowing issues faithfully and I believe that they were largely dealt with by this time (although it is an issue that nearly always requires constant vigilance, even in my own playing).
Well, to make a long story longer, she went to a consultation yesterday with this teacher, who is admittedly probably quite stellar, and he pointed out some "problems" in her technique that I had not addressed. (Now, to be fair, they did not bring this up in an accusatory manner with me, but only when I asked.) However, when she gave me specifics, they were things that I honestly do not agree with as being technical problems. Perhaps I am wrong, but I consider my approach to violin technique in teaching to be very pragmatic -- if there is difficulty in playing something correctly, I assess what technical malfunction could be taking place that, remedied, will produce a more desirable effect. The technical "shortcoming" that she pointed out to me was related to her thumb position on the left hand, an aspect of technique that, while important in some situations, has only so much relation to actual playing -- and to be perfectly honest, I did not agree with this teacher's assessment that there was a problem there.
The mother also pointed out that the teacher thought it was essential to cover music theory, aural skills, and even music history in lessons. And I stood there rather dumbfounded, trying to imagine how I would have possibly been expected to cover those "essential extras" in a half-hour lesson when we already were doing certain "essentials" every other week for lack of time! Not to mention that I had asked her if she was covering music theory in her piano lessons, and satisfied that she was, had contented myself to discuss matters of theory as they appeared instead of trying to fit a formal study into an already ridiculously short lesson time. "So, will you be taking hour long lessons?" I couldn't help but ask. "Yes, he thinks it is necessary," she replied, her full trust in the new teacher and her lack of trust in me becoming more apparent than before.
I cannot complain that she told me in anything but a kind and respectful way, although it is somewhat unfortunate that the decision had been made in the space of three days and that their last lesson was given by me with no prior notice. As silly as it may sound, I consider my income from this to be a secondary issue, but I have now lost 5 students this month (but only these two to another teacher -- the other ones just decided violin was not for them or that they didn't have time and wanted a break), and it is at the point where it is beginning to make a dent in my monthly income.
In some ways, I suppose I should be relieved that a student that I never really felt did trust me -- was always questioning me in lessons and especially about matters of payment policy, etc. -- will now no longer bother me. Perhaps they will be replaced by students more willing to accept my attempts at professionalism in both policy and instruction. But I guess I am just not really there yet in my attitude and heart. Though they were not my favorite students, I was proud of them and knew that they were good for my reputation. And it is troubling to think that others may question my credentials as a result of this. It is a very important dream of mine to have a student graduate from high school and begin studying for a music degree from my instruction, and I am about three years out from achieving this with another student if all goes well. But with this blow to my credibility, it does make me fear that others will leave me for brighter horizons as well. I want what is best for my students, and I hope that I would not keep a student past when I could reasonably teach him or her well, but I just didn't think that point had been reached with these ones yet. I am upset, and it will probably be at the forefront of my mind for the next few days at least.
I know that, as always, there is a spiritual perspective to be had here, but I must confess that this is beyond my reach at the moment. (Which is precisely the point, I know -- it IS within Christ's.) I will go read my Bible after posting this and ask God to make me more spiritually minded about this whole situation. Maybe I needed the humbling -- although I can't help but question that because of my constant insecurity about my status as a violinist. But then again, insecurity is probably more related to pride than humility. At an rate, I should probably wrap up these musings so that anyone who has made it this far (probably no one) can go take some headache medication.
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